| Falling off the planet. |
[Mar. 29th, 2009|11:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | The Hotel Apt. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ping Lightning strike rescue | ] |
Starting these always makes me shudder, so we'll just jump into it.
It's been so very long since I wrote. Because originally I was writing to someone, to something. And so much of my heart has been poured out here, that I've never really dragged many others here. Just the folks that have managed to find me here.
It's amazing, how wrapped up into things or people we can be. How much of ourselves we sink into what's important to us, so much, that learning to live in a world without that, because problematic. How much effort it can take to finally learn how to be a different us again.
At the point I wrote the last posts, I was learning that. But it wasn't a lesson that was coming to me easy. I'm sure that those people most important to me now, will attest how close to crazy I feel I really came. It's a hard thing to read some of these, though. I'd like to say that I walked away from so much of this, because I needed to. Because for me to learn to be the kind of man that could cry into the night, I needed to learn to be a man again. My own man. So here I am yet again, but my cry is a little different. Now it should consist of things like ' I stubbed my toe today.' or 'my airbrush spat paint at me' not 'My heart was delivered by ups today, with a return to sender stamp'. (I rather liked the image on that last one. :)
Has it really been so long?
I find the older I get, the older I get. *laughs* No but really. I find time because a blur. So maybe if I take these day to day, I'll put more up here, for the benefit of.... um.... The dark. See that's the thing that's great about this. It's like leaving your diary out in a public place. Why that's great I have no idea. But I digress.
On the subject of being a different person though. It's strange. Sometimes, after a strange dream, or finding old writing, I catch just a glimpse of this old Tyler, staring at me like a stranger. But for that brief second, I'm him again, and I remember what that pain could claw like, and the filling hollow empty. I have to say, not being him anymore, or not truly, I can't really say how sure that point of view really was. I can't say the hope I was holding onto, was really hopeing back, but I can say that then, I was sure. So we'll leave it at that tonight.
As for Tyler version 3.176 build a17, I'd have to say I'm definitely an improvement on the previous, except that previous Tylers could probably go up the three flights of stairs without winding themselves. Over the last few years, many thing that you would consider important grounding things have happened. October 19th 2007 I married a Girl named Erica. There are so many things that I could say about her. She is my Red. Everday she both infuriates, and infatuates me. As I have learned before, everyday you build and learn, and find more of this world that seems worse without that person next to you. She is the light that keeps me walking down the tunnel, and someone who puts up with, and loves all my little idiosyncrasies even when I'm driving her nuts with them.
I'm finally in school, sorta. At least I've started. That's good enough.
Oh, and we're moving over the next few days!
I have a Cat named Pahket. She's adorable. I take at least 10 pictures of her during a given week. If not more.
Um... I do alot of digital artwork, and have been branching into airbrush, painting of various types, woodwork, etc etc. Really working on being able to do with my hands.
It's amazing to look at the old thing I've done, count them as worthless, or be about to, and catch that spark from them that makes me remember what it was like for me then to make it. *shrug* strange. Never enough time.
So there's my wall of text. We'll try to do better, but no promises. I'll either visit or I won't. |
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| Something. |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|06:55 pm] |
I think I'm going to be okay.
This was one of those things I closely held in my "worst things that could ever happen" category. But *shrug* I think I'll survive it. Maybe I'll go draw a picture or something. Anyway, just felt like I needed to say something. |
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| Smile right on back. |
[Dec. 21st, 2006|11:40 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Here | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Like a stranger. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Snow Patrol - You could be happy. | ] |
I use to come here to put my thoughts somewhere, like talking to the stars.
It's really hard to write things that don't sound like I'm sad, but if that's what I've got, that's what I've got. My life is wonderful, I've got carrying friends and family, I laugh, and somehow I always manage to make it through. I know I'm not unique in feeling this. I have a girlfriend who loves me. I'm trying in every aspect of my life to be something, and to left go. To move on.
I spent six years of my life chaseing a girl. Who five months ago, told me she couldn't. More to the point, that she was choosing something else. Someone, and something she didn't know yet. I wish it made sense to me.
But tomorrow, she gets married, and every dream, every future, and probably the only thing I've ever worked at with everything I am, all counts for nothing. I thought I had the best friend I'd ever had, that I was complete mind, body, soul. I don't know what this is suppose to feel like. It's not quite a hollow. It's not quite an anger. It's a sadness though.
I've loved this girl. I've wanted nothing but the best. I'm not sure wether to light of fireworks tomorrow. Or hide in a hole and cry. Not even the few people I shared the information, that she was getting married, remember the date. Anyone else I know that knows, will be there. But I can't go. I was given an invitation. But I'm not invited. It would be painful for both of us, and I'm not really looking to ruin her wedding.
I have to say I hate this though. And I guess this is the only place I feel I get let it out. I want to go, and I want to stop this thing. But I won't. I want to tell her how much she means to me, and everything good she's done. But I won't. Because I don't know the man she chose, because I don't know the path that's led there, and because I don't know I'm better. I spent six years trusting her, I'll trust her to run her own life. This isn't a fairy tale, it's not a movie. I didn't save the princess, I'm not even a knight. She's not going to call the whole thing off and come running to me. Life doesn't work like that.
So the friends that she never fell in love with, will go and see her on her wedding day. Me, I'll get up, I'll waste the day, and it will pass like everyother day of my life. And I'm going to feel something important to me slip away, forever. And I can't express this to anyone, all I'd do his hurt anyone with it. So It's something I keep to myself. As I have for soon to be 6 months. With the occasional cry in the night, this. Anna, I have loved you. I have dreamt with you, about you. I have held you. I always though your wedding day would be ours. I'd like to wish you both all the best, but it sounds empty. I wish you the best in your life.
So here I will be, like I never left, watching the horizon, watching the storm clouds.
There's a storm on the horizon, that I felt half a year ago.
Like I felt 6 years ago.
Then like now, it's just my heart and myself and will weather it.
But when you cut out the poetics. You're alone with it.
Goodbye Anna Beal.
Goodluck Mrs. Walker. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|04:24 pm] |
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Thunderstorm on the horizon. |
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| No big deal, it's just your life. |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|04:25 am] |
Eh.
so I just wanted to say that nothings been what i expected.
Not one piece of my life.
sometimes it just seems like a terrible dream.
why. |
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| Carrying a heavy heart. |
[Oct. 9th, 2005|04:06 am] |
Heavy Heart.
This doesn't always mean that what we carry is bad, but that it leaves us weighed down, pensive, and maybe a little staggered. There are many things I do not understand, I talk about them too much. I am learning to live, as we all are. There is no book about it, only self-help authors who claim to understand how to run your life, even though they themselves have lived no more than you. (only 1 life I mean) I carry a girl around with me. She is always there. It is because I choose to do so. But I have allowed myself to begin the path that leads into another heart, and that binds my own to another, because the girl that I have carried for so long made me promise to try to live, and I try to honor my promises. It is hard to honor a promise you do not want to allowe yourself to.....
I speak to much in the third person.
I feel happy, and I miss her.
But I miss another woman too, and I feel relaxed when i am in her arms, and I am begining to allow myself even... to feel at home. I never wanted that. I always feel as I write, that I'm defending myself to you. Trying to explain my motives. Maybe at the end of all of this we can sit down and share a cup of coco, and remember how this looked through the whole journey, and we'll laugh, and feel a little sad. We'll look at the rain, and then someone will get your coat, and you'll leave.
"I could never have you, I knew that before you did. Still I'm the one that's stupid."
I have never believed in the, "this can't work". So I tried, And i feel like everything has been punishing me since. But I do not wish to lament it tonight. It has taught me, so i look it in the eye, as one warrior saluting another. I am readying myself for the next stage, and I hope it is ready.
My thoughts rarely make sense to me, let alone anyone else. If you had the misfortune of stepping across this, I am sorry. I'm not sure exactly why I post it here. For some reason I find it.... Helpful.
I do not know how this ends.
But I intend to see it through, and try to make sure it does with me smileing. Reguardless of outcome.
I was right to begin with, but maybe in the end it will be you with the I told you so.
Damn you. :) |
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| Hmmm.... |
[Sep. 25th, 2005|08:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Salsa! | ] |
Haven't updated in awhile
It's not that I haven't had alot to say, honestly, i'm more of a talker than those tickle me elmo's. It's more that I really haven't known how to say it. I don't even know how to respond to my internal monolaugue. *shakes head* Anyway. I'm updating today because of a random thought. Curseing.
I'd have to say it's fairly important who you spend your time with. Know historically I had not been a real big fan of the curse words as their called. But on occasion I broke down and showed the lesser side of my character. I noticeed something though after watching a movie. They can inandate your speach to the point where you don't knowtice you're saying them, anymore than you would note an overabundace on "The". It was just kind of interesting to note something which I always figuired was in completely my control. Time to cut down on the cursy movies and stop saying the f word. Am I rambling? Yes. Is that good?
End Transmission. |
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| Well well well |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|07:13 pm] |
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The time to go is here, see you on the other side of the world. |
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| Frustartion and Fear |
[Aug. 24th, 2005|04:58 pm] |
I'm not sure what to say about all of this except, that it's all very very strange.
I'm leaving to go back to Utah in a matter of days, and instead of feeling elated, I just feel frusterated, about all the things I need to do before I leave. *sighs* and then worrying about all the things I need to do when I get back. Life's like that isn't it? Sometimes it's hard not to worry about the unknown. All and all at least I'm learning, and getting better about stuff right? And all and all it's not like I haven't come out ahead.
Still.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....... |
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| On the subject of Everything. |
[Aug. 9th, 2005|07:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  So crazy, I'm sitting still. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stevie Wonder- Superstitiouse. | ] |
Landslide, a shooting star above albertsons, my best friend, and getting waved at from halfway across the world. This was my last few days. Spider-man comics, (ultimate btw) Magic eightball, needing a haircut, World of Warcraft, Peanut butter cookies, Coca-cola, Dreaming, planning, hoping, fearing, wanting, missing, and over all, feeling again. I thought it was because for the first time in awhile I didn't care, it's the opposite. For the first time in rememberance, I do care, alot. Again. Thanks for saying hi.
I have a million things I want to express, but I never get to express it to who I want to. I hope one day to show all of this to the target audience. *laughs* Some master of Communication I turned out to be.
Everyday when I was a kid, from like 12-15 I would wish to be a super-hero, no joke. I'm such a nerd. I never gained any powers I now of, and my martial arts training was lak-luster enough that if I can train to use the "iron fist" technique to stop crime, then it probably won't be me. But my intensive study into the world of super-hero's has led me to believe in the importance of communicating, writing stuff down, not leaving your costume lying about, and a sheer decisive dissapointment in the fact I can't shoot energy beams from my hands. What does all of this have to do with getting an email, or doing my job out here in California. Nothing, everything. So what?
What's it all for? All these goals? Isn't it an endless and then what? You want a family, and then what? You want a big corporate job? ANd then what? Chill. Nothing wrong with dreaming, but don't let the end result rob you of what you've got.
It's not about learning to appreciate the end result, or the journey to get there, even the people you meet on the way.
Nope.
It's about learning to appreciate it all.
Because the end result, the tally at the end. Even if there is a tally at the end at all. None of us know that. We can believe how we choose, but in the end we're all gonna face it. So face it with a smile, and make sure you don't feel like you're wasting what you've got. And love, because it feels great. It really does.
Sunscreen. |
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| Man your Battle Stations! |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|07:44 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Coheed and Cambria - In keeping secrets of Silent Earth | ] |
So i've had a couple of super happy days, the day before last was super pieaceful, and yesterday in it's won ways. But at the begining of lastnight I just kinda broke, I'm harboring emotions, like vagrant children no one else cares to home, and so they sit with me, and eat away my sentimental integrity until I can but take a single hit, and the storm is released, the children (as children often do) Run amuck until satisfied, and there I am a calm individual again, awaiting the next day the break free and I watch the red crayon on the walls.
Ya, feeling a little over poetic.
But I've been kinda edgy lately,
calm but with something udnerneath.
Waiting....
dun dun dun
Anyway, I've had enough of my own drama for the day, and just want to laugh.
Alot.
And this song rules.
Man your battle stations.
I'm also tired of worrying about things, where the worry isn't enough to keep me from messing up. Grrrr.
And I want to say that today is the 26 and I don't know.
I don't know.
Counting the Silence in Months.
12 months since the voices in the dark
1 month since I cried out. |
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| HmmmMmmmmm...... |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|12:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Hmmmmmmmmm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stevie Wonder - Superstition | ] |
I'm out here in California, working.
With 3 friends. At least I was.
Yesterday, one of my friends quit, said that the way we work in this job, with the little free tim isn't living. and it made me start wondering, what exactly is living? What do I term to be "beneath me" and where do i expect this to take me? Is it really all about something better, or just passing time?
What is living?
And, who knew that Sunkist Orange Drink had caffeine? I mean I sure as hell didn't.
Wierd.
It's going to be a full moon, or is.
Things could get wierd. |
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| Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince. |
[Jul. 17th, 2005|06:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Intesive. | ] |
Why must the noble always sacrifice, Why must they always let go? What is it about this world that makes it necessary for those who deserve peace the most, the need to let it go in fear of having someone else take it away? What is it about peoples thinking that makes them believe that if they put the peace off until later, when it well be safer, that is will some how better? That it will ever be safer for them, or better somehow. How can are thinking be so flawed?
I am tired of endings where the Hero walks away from love.
Damn you Spider-man
Damn you Harry Potter
You think that this world will be better later? You think that the Villains ever stop? You're not fighting something that can be killed, your fighting an idea. You're fighting Terror, your fighting monsters, but what in the end your fighting is Evil. Whatever you want to label them, they will fight forever. They don't need you to accept this, they always will be. I am not saying give up. I am saying the opposite.
When you walk away from what you love,
what you fight is winning.
When you give up what your Heart most openly desires,
When you put it all down and walk away,
Let me analize this a little deeper,
What is the point of them attacking your loved ones? They want to rob you of happiness.
So if you voluntarily walk away, if you give up that love and joy,
and bring the world back down to gray, who wins?
It is well known that someone at the end of The new Harry Potter dies.
I mourn his passing as best I can, as an icon for better men that have passed in this world.
But more so I mourn the thinking of those who believe that they can not have those they love, would you have someone walk away from you for your safety? When you are only ever happy in their arms.
How dare you make that choice for me?
How dare you live my life for me?
Love is a choice.
Who are you to say yours is better than mine, because you are not willing to try?
With that said I would like to applaud J.K. Rowling.
In the guise of Children's literature she has made her way in to the literary world, and touched my heart in a way that is amazing, she has made me feel things sometimes I wish not to, and inspired me with her world. Though I do not agree with all of the characters, that was never the point was it?
My hat is off to you, for doing something that few storytellers are able to do.
Making me believe.
This book helped me to label some things that I've not understood about myself before, to place some convictions, and to gain a few steps down the path I walk. Mostly it was a good book.
So partly this is me venting about a book, and about life.
! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|12:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Aggitated | ] |
I have lost all focus today, and it's all I can do to focus on anything. Time to go to bed. |
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| Bring out your dead |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|01:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Sleepless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Michelle Branch - Find my way back [Hotel Paper] | ] |
Last year, just after about july-august area, my hardrive crashed.
All of my poetry, art work, many other lamanetable things where lost to me, and I was very upset by this fact. Upset enough, that I couldn't bring myself to get rid of the harddrive, and for the last year I have carried to around.
Today, on a whim, I dug it out and hooked it up, and it works. I was able to salvage alot of Data, and so I began to dig through it. It's been like digging through a time capsule. I was a little different. Some of the stuff I wrote, surprises me that I wrote it.
The other things, I'm not sure about.
Many of our modern wonders that the computer age has brought are interesting side notes, one of them an extension of an earlier practice. Letter writing, expect now we can do it over thousands of miles, send and recieve so instantanously that we can hold coversations, and these lovely little machines keep logs of them, if you know where to find them. I found the logs of the last conversations I had with a certain girl I've been in love with for a long time. In many reguards reading them is like talking to her again, in the same way that a stuffed animal is like seeing a lost friend you haven't seen in a while. It can bring back memories and feelings, but in the end, it's dead. *sigh*
One week no response.
I think hearing back would be more surprising than not, and that's sad.
Maybe it's time I gave up?
Buried the dead, and walked away?
I did think about the fact that all of the different facets of this are burried in variouse parts, and considered spending the next several months writing out, and creating the story of all of this, recording it as you will, for her, for me I don't know. But compiling my side of it.
Maybe there is too much, pain.
In the event of victory, it would be an amazing thing to have.
In the event of loss.....
I'm nto sure what it would become to me.
I'm not sure how I feel.
Sleepless.
A poem I wrote at the time.
I recoil from the touch
a hand drawn across my own
drawing away with a hiss
couldn't explain why I react so
but it burnt like a fire
something that sturs deep inside
only one thought stands me up
I or they must go
so I walk from the table
and I walk from the date
I shouldn't have started
so I walk through the doors
they should have known better
what they were thinking I couldn't have said
the audacity of one such
to touch a hand that is yours. |
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| Beginings. |
[Jun. 17th, 2005|12:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Peaceful and Reflextive. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | --Just the song of the Night air-- | ] |
I want to go back to actually writing in my journal, not just typing. There's just something that feels so different about actually hand writting something, call it character or whatever you want. It's something I get to miss in this electronic world, though I am myself a great champion of the electronic age.
Today went much differently than I had expected.
I had 3 jobs scheduled today, and the on in the middle cancleed, which left me with enough time to enjoy the rainstorm. I sat in my car and read a paperback, and then dosed off as I watched the rain cascade down the window of my car, the grey of the sky. THe moisture. So very beautiful. I can't explain what those rare moments mean to me, alot.
I awoke a full 10 min before my next job, went and started the install and the day finished without much ado, or at least the work day.
Kurt wanted to see a movie, and so we went and saw Batman Begins. I respect the movie, and enjoyed it a great deal. It reminded me that if you want something so badly, you have to be willing to do more than just want deeply, you must be willing to pay the price, whatever that may be.
I need to remember that. |
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| Play time. |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | 6 | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jem - 24 | ] |
Different, I think.
So here I am in California, enjoying myself, learning how to balance priority with desire, needs with want and chocolate with fruit-gummie-num-num. I feel like I've gone through an enourmouse amount of change, that I'm so very different.
Well Wake up Call.
I was looking at my writeing, which I think tells alot about a person, and the way I express things, my manner of being even down to many of my manerisms, are still there. My wants needs, desires, loves, hurts, many of them reserve, and have not met the measure of change I feel. But it's very subtly there, the manner in which I am dealing with things, that peace that is begining to grow again inside of me, it is different. I can see that in my journals, I can see that in my personal writing, and I think eventually it will show in other areas, but it is interesting to me to note the ways I haven't changed. I had thought maybe I was becoming a total jerk, uncaring and maybe even cold. But unless I've always been a jerk and just been numb to it, I don't think I'm all that different in that reguard. I'm still learning and have alot to do, but tonight, I feel at peace.
Not because everything is as I want it to be,
but because it is as it is.
And so am I.
To paraphrase the Nerv logo- "God's in his heaven, all's right with the world"
On a temporal note:
I install home security for a living right now,
It's fun, it makes me think , it makes me pissed, but today it maybe me grin. (And maybe giggle, but only a little) So here I am a very seriouse proffesional, having just put a hole in someone's wall (part of the install) and I'm being nice and patching the hole. And for the Putty on my hands, and my shirt and my face, smearing it all over the wall, in my minds eye, I looked like nothing so much as a kindergartener. And suddenly all those years inbetween didn't seem so long, and I started laughing, and felt like a kid again, in a way that I found unexpected, and soothing. It was needed. It was nice. So I highly recommend taking that dry-wall compound stuff, (i forget the name at the moment) and smearing it all over your walls.
Cheaper than therapy.
Now, time for fruit gummy num nums..... |
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| Some Call me Tim...... |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|10:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Enchanted | ] |
Okay, so I think it's the funniest thing in the world, the Tim the enchanter hat from Monty Python and the Holy grail. I found one today with Plush Horns, and it's been entertaining me since I bought it. I can't help it. I feel just goofy wearing it, it's fun.
I have alot more seriouse things to mention, but I don't really feel like writing about it. You ever overthink something to the point where you jsut want to take it easy and just focus on the fun stuff.
Or maybe make some things explode?
It's not exactly like that, but I'll talk about it later. |
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| Ring of Power. |
[Jun. 7th, 2005|01:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Yarg | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Yacko Warner Sings all the words in the english language | ] |
The Big Mac.
God's Gift to me. And about 30 million other people, but I don't care that they enjoy it too, because it's mine and ment just for me. I'm sure of it.
Nothing profound to talk about.
Time to sleep. |
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soullace's journal